All I ever wanted was to be good enough.
No matter what I did or how hard I tried to measure up to someone else's standard of “good enough”, it was never, ever enough.
I always felt like I fell short.
And the harder I fell, the more determined I became to win them over, to make them love me, to make them want to love me.
The more I tried to please.
I wouldn't see it then, but all I wanted was to be good enough for all the wrong ones, the ones who left me trying to prove my worth. The irony was that they were the very ones who I would never be good enough for.
But that never stopped me from trying.
Until one day, I didn't even know who I was anymore. What was there to love about me? What was good enough about me? What was I missing after so many years of trying, pleasing, and losing myself in the process?
What I didn't realize was that it was never really about me being good enough, it was about being with the ones for who there was no such thing as being good enough.
What I didn't understand was that the only ones who I could never have been good enough for, no matter what I did, were the same ones who could never be right for me.
They weren't the ones who had a heart or a soul like mine.
They weren't the ones who knew how to love unconditionally, who knew how to accept without condition, who had any inkling of what it meant to love in the purest sense of the word.
And they would never be.
When I discovered the truth about all this trying to be good enough — that there were some people I would never be good enough for but they weren't the ones I needed to worry about — I could finally set myself free.
Free to let those ones go.
And free to move on to see the ones who could actually be the right ones for me.
The ones who didn't require me to be anyone but myself.
The ones who would love me for who I was — even on my absolute worst days. Yes, even when my authentic self-revealed the very worst of the real me.
These were the ones who taught me everything I now know about love. They were the ones who taught me that you can never be too much or not enough for the ones who are truly right for you.
No one had told me that we're never meant to linger so long in those places and with those people that don't feed our hearts and souls. I had only been given the message that you stay and you try and you please and you love — even if you're getting nothing back in return.
If you're worth anything, they'll come around. If you're good enough, they'll see that, too.
“But what if they don't?”, became my silent cry.
What if they don't?
Then you move on to the ones who do.
What if there aren't any?
They'll be there, Beautiful. After all, aren't you?