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Make Peace with Disappointing Others and Get Healthy Loving Yourself Madly

It is time to make peace with disappointing others… as if your life depends on it.

This is an invitation to spend the next few minutes owning the mess that you call “caregiving.”

I recently read a book about the importance of having the courage to be disliked. My head nearly exploded. So, I read it another five times. I always say that if it strikes a nerve and it rattles your cage, it deserves close examination. Owning my ridiculous need to be liked was a start. However, burning it to the ground changed everything.

If you have a pulse, the people-pleasing epidemic has infected you at least once in your life.

Unless you are a sociopath, then this article will quickly seem irrelevant. The need to be liked is a common thread we share in this human experience. And, if we are claiming to seek a higher level of consciousness and all jumping on board the “woke” train, then we must also acknowledge the ugly side of this rite of passage.

We want to be loved, and we want to feel needed. Of course, we feel validated and seen, often by showing up for others. It is a quick external fix to an internal problem. The real danger is showing up for others repeatedly when we are unhealthy, exhausted, hurting or struggling. The long-term cost is our health and wellness. It can be deadly. 


Start by getting real with why you showed up…

Enters some variation of the “The Martyr.” This archetype loves dressing up in the role. All covered in self-sacrifice and spun in a web of good intentions. She is generous and loving, but her shadow self is not so pretty. As parents, business owners, caregivers to aging parents, and leaders, we often want to feed that need for self-importance. We want to be loved. It is part of the reason we decided to show up, to begin with. Own that truth and move on.

Showing up in the name of “love” may have been lost in translation.

“All the suffering, stress and addiction comes from not realizing you already are what you are looking for,” states founding Executive Director of the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. Growing up the youngest of nine children, I would say his words are worth heeding. Certainly, he learned at a young age that vying for attention and external approval was a rare commodity in such a crowded household. This understanding at such a young age would explain his passion for introspection and personal accountability.

It is time to make peace with disappointing others… as if your life depends on it.

I am speaking from experience. The shadow self neglects self-care and feels undeserving of joy, so she often jumps through hoops to help others. We seek outside of ourselves what is already within us. “If I continue showing up, then others will see my heart, and they will love me. If I stop showing up, they will not love me.” It is like a drug, but it never quite gives us the satisfaction we crave. It is never enough because we do not believe that we are enough. And, sadly it will be the death of you if you do not decide to take care of yourself first. 


Now you know how you got here.

Recognizing the connection between your innate thirst for approval and your fatigue and frustration is a start! You can almost stomach the fact that your need to be liked has hijacked your life. Maybe you are not there yet, but take this to heart…

  • Is the “yes” you give others fueled by your fears? What are your core fears?
  • Is your lack of the courage to be disliked holding you back from better health and happiness?
  • Have YOU created a needy person in your life? “What will they do without me because I am so important?”
  • Do you believe that you deserve the right to lovingly say “no” to others?
  • Do you believe that you deserve the right to say “yes” to your own basic needs first?

Practice disappointing others for your own sake.

Get comfortable with being disliked. It sounds awful, right? Trust me, you will survive and so will everyone around you. Now, while everyone is angry at you, go get a massage, join a yoga class, or take a fabulous hot bath that lasts so long it leaves you with prune hands. Your family will learn to find new resources, your coworkers will start doing their fair share, and your children will learn how to use the washing machine.

Be patient. Be kind. But keep it real and be honest for once.

I promise it will suck at first. Don’t give in to old habits. You deserve more! If need be, dig in your heels and flip some tables. Sometimes learning to love yourself is more complex than we give credit. You will find that those who truly love you eventually come around. You will also find that those who don’t will simply move on. In the long run, it serves everyone that you love and everyone that genuinely loves you to first and foremost, love yourself.

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Jo Davis

Entrepreneur, "Yes" Mentor, Author, Public Speaker, International Artist, Photographer, Skydiver & Lift A Sister UP Founder

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NancyHurley
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NancyHurley

This has been quite an eye-opener to me. The first thing that caught me was I need to be courageous to be disliked. Wow! What an eye-opener that was. I realized that by being afraid to not belng liked or loved yoked me with people who I needed to approve of myself. Nothing is further than the truth – this taught me the “death” of who I am just to be loved. I need to find myself totally loved by me or change what I don’t like so I do like myself. I realized my big sister followed our Mother and her decisions for her lead to her death.

I realize now that I took on that responsibility on as Mother put it on me which made me feel even worse about myself. I took that responsibility on so she’d love me. Never happened. Now, I know that it is and has been hurting me for years. I am giving it up and live my life as I want not to give up who I am to be loved even if I am disliked for it. I am beginning a new life of truth and love.

Thank you Jo

Pammie Day
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Pammie Day

I would so love to print this out and present it to my beloved caregivers and fellow nurses. What a spectacular article. I always try to thank the caregivers who get little reward for their unseen efforts. What a beautiful gift you have presented in this article. It made me smile.

Ruth Barnhart
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Ruth Barnhart

I think that when I was taken out to lunch by my co workers to celebrate my 70 th Birthday was the day I officially stopped being a people pleaser. Now it doesn’t bother me if you are not a fan. I moved to the west coast and living and loving life my way. Nice Article, true and to the point. ruth

Jessica Gilbert
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Jessica Gilbert

What a fantastic article! Loved it. I used to be big people pleaser, but nowadays I don’t anymore…if I really want to do something for someone I will do it, but not just for the sake of doing it to please them.

Lisa
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Lisa

Beautifully written. Hear hear.

Patience
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Patience

Never thot myself a people pleaser, i just feek the need to treat others the way i want to be treated. Maybe thats what i need to look at, perhaps its wrong. I have been in situations where people dislike me for no reason and it really did not stop my breath. I know i want to be better
person than i am, perhaps i equally need to look into that too. Then i need to love myself too, looking into that already. Will appretiate more article on that. Thank you.

Tammy
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Tammy

Hi Jo! What is the name of the book you read five times about disappointing others? I would love to read it. This article was spot on.

Jo Franklin
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Jo Franklin

Great read and stirring content ❤ I LOVE IT! You struck an important cord in all of us for self growth. Thank you for sharing and the inspiration!!

Maria Koszler
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Maria Koszler

Thank you, great article Jo! loved it, an awesome reminder for the new year if you’re not already taking care of YOU, self-care, self love a must. Get Real Everyone!!!

Darlene Rese
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Darlene Rese

I don’t know where Tickle. No!! Came from. I didn’t write it. I meant to write Great article, Jo!!

Darlene Rese
Member
Darlene Rese

Tickle, No! I really enjoyed it. It has a lot of good sense to it and I could relate to many aspects of this article. Thank you for sharing.❤

Darlene Rese
Member
Darlene Rese

Great

Janice Wayne
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Janice Wayne

Jo what a awesome read! Self care and self help mixed together. Can’t forget to take care of our health and self. Your right we need to keep it real and be honest with ourselves. What’s not there to love, we are amazingly awesome! Time to step up and into yourself. Thank you ❤️

giffee chick
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giffee chick

Dont know you but ypur awrsome

LynnDailey
Member
LynnDailey

Wow Jo! You hit the head on the nail with this article. I so get this! I am truly grateful to have learned all of this and now I have been able to go into caregiving with a different perspective now that I know I must keep in tune with loving myself and self-care in order to keep my health in check and I can be fully honest with those I am caring for as well.👑👌❤️

JuliaPathfider
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JuliaPathfider

Fabulous article! Thank you Jo!

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