In Hot Pursuit of Myself

“She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.” —J. D. Salinger

It is a common misconception that I am an extremely relaxed person.

I hear it all the time in fact. I am often asked, “How do you do it with so much on your plate?” I throw my head back and laugh silently because I know how misleading perceptions can really be. In the privacy of our own minds, we surmise and draw conclusions about everyone. This is why listening to others tell their stories is so important … it is how we humans truly connect.

How many thoughts cross through my mind in a 24-hour period?

Countless really. It’s a constant barrage which streams in and out as I appear to be quietly going about my day. This is what it feels like if you choose to conquer from within. There is no downtime, in fact, your dreams are often more intense and telling then your reality. Up and down, dive in and jump out, and follow round and round.

I am always in hot pursuit of myself.

Why is it important to put yourself through the frequent torment of dissecting your thoughts? If you choose to remain as you are then you are closing yourself off to growth. We are not meant to live a stagnant life. We are meant to be co-creators of our dreams as we walk this land…flesh and blood. To not ever question or filter, all that comes in and out is just folly. I understand why we close that door at times in our lives. I really do. Sometimes it’s all just too heavy to shoulder, and we haven’t yet given ourselves the coping tools we need to decipher our own inner confusion.

It’s not easy, but there is only one way to go in my opinion. Go deep and get to know yourself.

Find the courage to look yourself in the eye and speak your unadulterated and vulnerable truth. There is where the landscape is all yours. You have planted and pruned. You are the one required to be the constant gardener and so you must continue to work hard and weed out your thoughts and beliefs. If you can learn to speak your truth to yourself, that is when you can begin to truly blossom. I myself am still working hard on becoming Ella.

Ella Hicks

Ella Hicks is a survivor of many things, however her biggest battle came during her 12-year abusive marriage. **Note: I cannot use a photo of my face due to safety concerns due to domestic violence.

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