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Forgiving Narcissistic Abuse? What!?

Forgiveness is part of healing. It is not a prerequisite to healing.

“Forgiveness is part of healing. It is not a prerequisite to healing. It is a point we reach when we understand and accept the truth about what happened to us from a position of emotional neutrality without the pain, blame and shame that our abusers shadowed on us.” — Evelyn Ryan

I’d like to share some information on forgiveness, justice and victimization that may not be so obvious to survivors of narcissistic abuse but is critical to their healing.

Survivors of narcissistic or for that matter any abuse were victims, no different than a victim of a crime, a brutal illegal attack or violation of our boundaries, rights, authorities, or freedoms. What is the difference between a brutal attack of one’s body or possessions and one’s psyche and one’s heart and betrayal of intimate trust? Not many. But there are a few fundamental ones.

One attack, you may think, takes place in the conscious physical world — the other, in the metaphysical, the metacognitive world where we feel and think. However, the pain and shame and anger and fear and trauma we experience from a brutal physical or emotional brutal attack are the same. They inflict the same wounds and frequently open old ones.

In addition, there are major differences to how we heal from the wounds. This is why.

We can achieve justice and emotional relief when our attackers are found, charged, found guilty, and punished for their evil deeds. Our victimization is then validated, our egos are soothed, and we can achieve some sense of safety, security, and closure.

But what happens when a criminal “gets away with murder” and is free to roam and victimize whomever he or she chooses to target?

Isn’t this what serial thieves do?

Isn’t this what serial murderers do?

Isn’t this what serial narcissists do?

Healing and justice are not acquired through excusing the evil or pain or betrayal that was inflicted on us by our attackers or by showing compassion for our abusers. Healing and justice are not acquired through resentment and revenge that feed our egos and keep us bonded to our abusers and keep us trapped as we continue to give up our power to them. This is denial of the truth and causes us unjustifiably to take on additional pain and blame and the ensuing shame that will hamper our healing and recovery.

In addition, a huge amount of additional emotional burden is unnecessarily added to an already painful situation by telling us if we do not forgive, we punish ourselves twice.. blah blah blah. Our need to forgive can also be guilt-driven by our moral, ethical or religious beliefs and convictions. This can leave us conflicted and feeling added guilt and even shame when we really do not want to forgive. I agree with Dr. Ross Rosenberg that we do not HAVE to forgive and that forgiving our abusers is a very personal decision.

How, then, do innocent victims “get justice” when their attackers get off free of charge?

How then do they achieve emotional relief and a sense of security? Victims of emotional abuse do not even have the option of becoming vigilantes because the narcissists like the mutants on X-men and space creatures on Men in Black look normal on the outside, do their dirty deeds, and remain unscathed. In essence, not only are we the victim, but we also become the police, judge and jury.

Abuse survivors must turn their compassion and care inward to work on releasing the pain, trauma, shame, anger and fear that were projected onto them and inflicted on them by the emotional criminals, vampires, and thieves who also stole their identities. We are left to heal invisible wounds that were caused by our active but unaware participation in a very harming situation. We, to heal, must not only release the pain and anger from the attack but also the shame from betrayal and of our unconscious complicity in the crime and our perceived foolery. This is why self-forgiveness and self-compassion are so important in healing.

Forgiveness is part of healing. It is not a prerequisite to healing.

It is a point we reach when we understand and accept the truth about what happened to us from a position of emotional neutrality without the pain, blame and shame that our abusers shadowed on us. Releasing the pain and anger will allow us to heal emotionally. But to fully heal we must forgive ourselves for the part we played. This is why understanding why we were targeted is critical to healing. We are then emotionally free to see things truthfully and accept what happened to us, take back our personal power, and stop being victims to emotional criminals.

I personally believe, it is close to impossible to fully accept what happened to us until we have first healed from the abuse and recovered from the trauma and then stop believing we are victims…. NOT the other way around.

Healing requires fully understanding why we love people who inflict pain on us.

Healing is a process of self-discovery, self-analysis into the root causes of why we were victimized, addressing how our beliefs contributed to that, correcting our skewed beliefs and building our self-worth as well as healing our trauma wounds.

As a survivor, I can say that I do not excuse the despicable acts of the abusers in my life but I can say that I am clear on what happened and why it happened in my childhood, why I was targeted and why I let it happen into my adulthood.

I am also clear that the abuse no longer continues because I do not think like a victim so I am no longer victimized.

I choose not to participate in the dysfunction so they are defused and go away. They continue to target me because that is just what abusers do but I am not emotionally vested. I no longer fear them. I no longer believe I have to suffer or self-sacrifice to be good or lovable. I do, however, accept them for the abusers and broken people they are.

We cannot expect things from people who are not capable of giving them.

I accept that life is not fair and I was born into a herd of narcissists that I had no choice over. But I do have choices now based on my own personal truth and not others’ lies.

I choose a life I know I deserve, a life of peace, harmony, happiness, emotionally healthy love and mutual respect! I also accept that they cannot.

We also in the process achieve the justice we seek.

The best revenge is success!

This is how we heal. This is how we achieve justice. This is how we thrive.

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Evelyn Ryan

Evelyn Ryan is a certified life coach, author, business owner, process improvement expert, researcher and the CEO and founder of Yourlifelifter, a web-based life-coaching center that provides practical, inspirational, truth-based and simple solutions to address life, self-esteem and emotional well-being issues to tens of thousands of people from across the globe.

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17 Comments on "Forgiving Narcissistic Abuse? What!?"

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Wendy
Member

I have such a long road ahead, reading the article showed me how much work I need to do. Been away from him for 6 years and still have the feeling of being a failure and etc
God help me

Akiroq Brost
Member

It took me a long time to get over the shame and guilt of having been caught in, and staying in, abusive relationships. It took a lot of patience, courage, reflection and time to both recognize, and break those patterns. Forgiveness of myself was very instrumental in my healing. Letting go helped me to also find the path to letting go of my pain. Forgiveness is deeply personal and has different meanings to different people. I personally saw it as a liberation from an attachment to pain. Although extremely difficult, the long period of self-reflection taught me a lot about myself, about who I did and didn’t want to be. Thank you for illustrating the complexity of how we deal with pain and healing. <3

Joyce Haanappel
Guest
Joyce Haanappel

Why is it that I thought that I could change him? That’s why I stayed with him all this time, believing in him, that things would change. HE thought things would change. But it didn’t. Things only got worse. Overprotective, jealous, hypocrite, delusional, paranoic, etcetera. It all got worse over the years. Never said sorry for anything, mentally abusive, driving me insane.
Just until it was ENOUGH after 26 years of being together and being married for 18 years. I’ve had enough, I couldn’t do it anymore. My kids were old enough to understand and I was told that I could stay in the (rental)house, so my considerations to not get a divorce were not valid anymore. That moment I told him that I was going to divorce him for real, was such a relieve!! From than it was still difficult because he would have to move out and he didn’t and he has, since a year, finally moved out, but is still giving me a hard time divorcing him. He doesn’t want to divorce and doesn’t want to sign the papers. He’s just being stubborn and being an ass.
End of June 2018 my divorce will finally be unilaterally ( one-sided) done. So than I will be really free.
I am definitely going to celebrate that moment!!
Thank you for your beautiful quote, Evelyn Ryan.

Susan J Canada
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Susan J Canada

I never realized how addictive the relationship could be. Part of my hurt is that my Ex boyfriend made it so competitive & instigated so much between part of his family and myself that the competition never stopped. Now that we’re apart I feel like I lost. I understand now that he’s been this way all of his life but now some of his family act like I’m to blame. Too many were involved. What’s so bad is that he & family believe his lies about me but not about them.

Deja Lorentz
Guest
Deja Lorentz

Phew, this was perfection!
Took way to long to discover. I finally had enough! At 68 years old I dismissed my narcissistic mother from my life! It has been four years now . I repeatedly forgave her of all the crap she put me through over the years unaware of her narcissistic issues, just because I needed to forgive her. The last straw was while living in our home & after taking every effort she could to turn back time, she decided to hit on my husband for sex.
Broke my heart! Betrayed by my dear friend & mother! My husband & I went on a vacation for two weeks & we told her to move out before we got back. She did. She never said a thing. No, I’m sorry not even a :-)yuck you. I forgave her for the very last time.
It took this last event for me to discover is really is a REMARKABLE Narcissistic woman. She has no shame & no blame. God bless her.

Laurie Lankins Farley
Member

Great perception!

Mousumi
Member

Thank you so much Evelyn for a life lifting article..Yes , no point holding anger fear or resentment…I too have forgiven the person who had physically and emotionally drained me but not forgotton …He can never trap me again! I was never broken so I don’t think much…and I am moving forward with positivity…

JuliaPathfider
Member

Thank you Evelynn. Wonderful article.You have given clarity to what true forgiveness of narsacissistic abuse really is.
Something I have only come to realise in recent years.
Awareness can set us free from the cycle of abuse from narcissists in our life, whether its past, present or future.

Melissa Rose Rothschild
Member

Evelyn , This is awesome.
You indeed cover all the necessary steps to set ourselves free . Holding on to anger or resentment continues our victimization.
Looking into the whys , empowers us to then go deeper and forgive ourselves and the abuser …
I was able to forgive one man that physically and emotionally abused me once I realized that my anger kept me attached to him. I took the steps that you suggested and I no longer held any ill will … only sympathy for the darkness that enveloped his soul due to his own past abuse. Of course with these relationships, they are so addictive ,as an empath … I needed to stay my distance!
I actually cried when I heard that he had passed away and I think the tears were more for what he as a human was never able to experience… and also for the relief and the finality because I did have a subconscious tendency to look over my shoulder in fear and at times ,when I was still sick maybe I had wanted to see him there.
Thank you for this article.