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A Hopeful Sadness

I am feeling incredibly vulnerable lately and this is not the norm for me; I am always the strong one. As an empath I am able to feel everyone else's pain, sadness, and anxiety; but in doing so I shut my own out. I have boxed myself in by wearing this suit of armor. Today, I am taking it off and folding it nicely for a rest. It is my calling to empower people and help them transition from a life of just existing to one where they can truly feel all that life has for them. To drop the fear and jump on the adventure.

My belief has always been and still is, that what is in the past is in the past. You are not your past. You are not what happened to you. You are here and living in the now.

Face your past, forgive, make peace, and then let it go.

I still believe this for I have seen too many people get away from their pasts only to live forward with it. We get used to carrying the weight of our burdens and it's hard to put them down. In an odd way it feels comfortable because it is what we know.

I am always looking within myself and trying to see what is making me tick, where am I heading, and what is really happening in my soul. It's not easy to do when so many look to me to inspire them every day. My mind switches to auto-pilot and I just walk the talk. I keep moving and push through the pain. It seems to have caught up with me and I am at a bit of an impasse now.

I've been crying for days.

I don't know why. Perhaps it started with a case of the mid-winter blues and then just spiraled out. I can't pinpoint it, but I know I am not trying to stop it. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel weak and vulnerable at times. It doesn't make you less strong it makes you whole, and honestly isn't that what we strive for?

I believe with all of my heart that life is all about ebb and flow.

I don't often allow myself the ebb part though. I fight it and dismiss it and soldier on. It's what I know how to do. It's what saved me in my past. However today I am feeling as though it has caught up with me and I am learning a new way of being. I am sitting with my sadness and I am trying to understand it. Right now I am not sure why it has surfaced. Perhaps it is a workshop I am taking about being tender to my own soul. Something that we all need to learn to do better.

What I do know is that this sadness is all-encompassing.

The tears are flowing and I am feeling lost in my own space. A feeling of tremendous loss is here and sadness. The loss of people who I loved dearly in my life, the loss of innocence as a child, the loss of my dreams for my future, and the loss of even myself. For how can I be whole if I am not in touch with these darker sadder moments of myself? I am learning to listen. To reach down and hold my own hand; the trembling hand of a girl who has seen too much and suffered far more than ever necessary.

I am looking at her in the mirror and her reflection is so sad that it makes me cry.

I feel a disconnect from her. I am the girl who has survived so much and yet has never been able to grieve the losses that have accrued over my lifetime. This is scary shit I am not going to lie about that. However, in my sadness and my uncontrollable crying I feel more connected to myself and to others then I have in a long time. I am learning to be vulnerable in a new way. I am understanding my life within a new light. I am scared, but I am okay. I am sad, but I am hopeful. It is just going to take some time and balance.

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Ella Hicks

Ella Hicks is a survivor of many things, however her biggest battle came during her 12-year abusive marriage. **Note: I cannot use a photo of my face due to safety concerns due to domestic violence.

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Karla
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Karla

Thank you for sharing.
I recently feel lost in the world and it’s nice to know that I am not the only one, and that everyone has there own battles too. I felt like I was the only who went through it bc I’m weak and depressed.

I wish you the very best.

TeriTischer
Member

You are an inspiration Ella. I wish you a safe journey through life from now on.
And to you Christine, congratulations for your decision. You are truly strong and amazing!

christineprice
Member

Reading that article made me feel better about myself. I have coped with emotional abuse from a sister for many years. I have finally put her out of my life for good. It makes me sad that I can’t have a good relationship with her as she has a dysfunctional personality. I have learned to accept what I can’t change and just get on with my life. My life is so much more peaceful without her in it.
Thanks for telling me it is OK to be sad. It will pass.

seemasinha
Member

So true !!